Values - easy to talk about but difficult to define or determine:And Vulnerabilities!

It is easy to talk about values but hard to define or determine. If anyone asked me, it is easy for me to state that they were inculcated in me by parents. They cannot go wrong nor would anyone argue with me. But having spent a lot of years living, yes, living, I am not so sure. I have been told and taught of the basic commandments. But I did not live up to it. I convinced myself I did. Years later, I felt I was fooling myself. My life did not follow my parents life pattern. I was different but hard to accept that I deviated. All because I did not know whether I did something right or live up to my parents expectations. It is difficult to carry guilt.

What does the value system do to one’s life? It helps to make living easier as the values help to navigate through life with minimal angst. But does it necessarily hold good and remain the same in my current life. Did I change or didn't I? Did my values change? The answer is yes.

I know of a musician who wrote and played music. He was good at it. But the field of musicians community(most of them), used drugs and alcohol to get inspired and he found it hard to cope. What he thought was his values, did not help him to find peace. He found another acceptable way for him to live and let go his value system he was a part of.

My friend, one among others who held similar views, once sent me a personal message. He wondered why I was exposing my vulnerabilities. He argued saying that people would think of me less and some of the comments he quoted was from those who took the time and effort to read. He named a person, Padmanabhan Venkatraman. I laughed. He is an enlightened soul as per my brother’s thinking. I treat him like anyone else. I have fought, argued, accepted, disagreed and agreed with him. I consider him to be my friend. I don’t see him talk down to me but give his two cents, either be it his realization or his life experiences. I told him, I am not insecure or low in my self esteem that I would worry about what others have to say. I am not ashamed of who I am and what experiences I had. This is me. My friends have come to accept me for who I have become with all my faults. I don’t have to project a side of me that I am not. People have empathized, encouraged, and appreciated. I treat the same as I would treat Padmanabhan. They are my friends. They have a right to have a view and who am I to say that is wrong or right?

Truth hurts, even me. It is hard to recall and re-experience those emotions. But I do. Then I can be myself. I can touch a human soul, bring them to experience what life is all about, that it is ok to have failed and beat up, and all that matters is whether you get up, your crying nor does your suffering matters, because you have proved to yourself that you can pursue and never give up, because this is your life and no matter what others think of you, you have just got up from the sands of time to give it one more go, bruised, bloodied but living. That is my story to tell.