This Is How It Is

You know what. I am here in India caring for my parents waiting for them to pass away. But they are resilient. My mother is living on will power than horse power. She is a cat of nine lives. My dad wants to live for at least 90 years. He is 88 and my mom is 83. I can't in any good faith want them to be gone. I had wished sometimes when their quality of life is close to nothing. They both sleep on their individual beds in the same room. It has an air conditioner and an attached bath. They have a day and night care giver. They have a cook and a maid to clean the house and wash their clothes. They have a chauffeur who has nothing to do according to his job description. They live in a three bedroom apartment with air condition in every room except the kitchen and bathrooms. The monthly medicines and the groceries come home when ordered. The job gets done without any supervision. But I have my wife's cousin to do that and stay with them. And all that they do is watch the ceiling or sleep except when prodded to eat or helped when they need to be cleaned up.

I go to their place on alternate days except when I am summoned. My mother is in and out of remembering or saying things that makes sense. My dad when spoken to will keep asking whether I got to speak with my mom. One day I told him to sit next to her bed and not waste by lying in the bed all the time. He has undergone a hip replacement but that was a year and eight months before. He has become lazy as there are enough people to attend on him. When pushed he said that she was not making any sense! but he wants me to sit with her and make a conversation. I asked him to give me one reason why he expressed his desire to live up to 90. I was hard. He didn't have an answer. He was scared of dying. I bought a TV and am in the process of fixing it in their bed room- just for their brains to get stimulated with the noise even if they didn't wish to watch (Arnab Goswami's news hour comes to my mind).

I might come across as someone who has no heart. But I have cared for my parents all through the years. I feel sad when I look at them. I get overwhelmed and disheartened when nothing I do can bring them to enjoy life. I doubt it as I can't read their minds. Every time my mom ends up going to the hospital, I can only hear my dad begging me to bring her back like she was, unable to entertain that it could be the last time. He derives strength from her presence and so does she. The first thing that comes out of her mouth is, "Did dad get to eat"- if she was lucid!.

Looking back, I know I can never get any better parents. They smiled when it hurt, laughed because they didn't want their kids to know of the pain they were experiencing, never said no to education even when it took away the last jewel of my mom which my dad didn't hesitate to pledge, no friend of their children was sent home without dinner at the expense of my mother's share of food, never complained for not being able to go to weddings for lack of good clothing or jewelry, even skipped my maternal grand father's funeral in Delhi, India because of want of funds which ended in my mom crying for a few days and not eating at home. I have witnessed a lot more than I can pen.

My frustrations dissipate when I recall. My anger subsides as I sit next to them. My worries don't make any sense when I try to ponder. This is the life God gave to my parents and me. I question whether I am making the best use of it. Sometimes I do believe. But many times I don't care. I am living of the moment. And I am satisfied.