I AM A DREAMER!

I could boldly say that being a dreamer helped me to aspire to climb the mountain top and understand the depth of an ocean. My successes and failures have both been the result of one common entity-Dreams!

As a child, with ADD, and a complex that made me an introvert, with three siblings excelling which didn’t help either, I commonly resorted to dreaming. It was then, I could be a hero and rich, where I could taste the luxuries of life and make people listen because it mattered to me the most. I was dreaming to the extent that one day my dad who saw me staring at a page for a long time during my study hours in 7th grade, came behind me and turned the page saying that it was enough for me to spend that much time on one page.

As a Medical student who took an extra year to complete the course that too with the grace of my Professors, I dreamt of being a successful doctor. Reality was, my first job was to work the night shift for a 24 hour OP Clinic and be paid ( a dollar and a half those days) a quarter in today’s conversion for 11 hours(9PM till 8AM). But I took upon myself to run a round the clock service, and with no one to believe that I could ever be successful, worked 19 hours each day for the next 20 months to clear my debt and become a success story just before I got married.

Thinking that I was smart(My dreams made me feel that way too!), I invested in businesses and lost all that I had. Realizing the hard work I put in for so many years and ending up with nothing to show for, I decided to leave to a foreign land(where there was no tests/exams to prove my credentials to practice).

I migrated to New Zealand( told by the immigration Attorneys that NZ had no exams but that was true for the western degree holders only) with my family after being in family practice for 12 years. With the Medical Council of NZ, an autonomous body, recognizing only the western degrees and failing 98% of the test takers whose degrees were not recognized, I didn’t even venture to try. With no answer to move forward, and three years of untold hardship, there was only one place to go- dreamland.

Considering the given situation, I remember telling my wife to prepare for the USMLE exams and my thinking was that once she gets her residency, I would become the House Man, caring for the kids and finding some job. The decision I made was after counting the number of subjects (it totalled 22) and I had to read so much (as the scientific community came up with all their research, finding diseases and cures that bulked up the volume in many subjects) and that too in a short span of time and recalling the time I took to complete my Medical degree, I gave up even before I started.

With my wife prodding and telling me that failing was not new to me and shouldn’t affect me, I took the exams, failing twice in one Step and surprisingly passing the other without the aid of a stepping stone. This happened because I chased my dream telling myself that I am good with people and I would be a success story practicing Psychiatry.

Just before the completion of my residency, there was an allegation that literally would have taken away my right to practice. I won in the grievance committee, not just because I was innocent but I believed in the truth and myself and never stopped dreaming about being a successful Practitioner.

I worked a short stint in NZ after residency as our visas were frozen because of 9/11/2001. It made me feel good as I dreamt of going back to NZ and enjoying the perks in a country that failed to recognize degrees from Asia, Eastern Europe, Middle East and Africa. I was put up in a five Star Hotel Studio- Hilton in Auckland, given a car, a gas card and a salary.

After returning from NZ, I worked for a Non Profit Organization for three years. I entered Private Practice. I dreamt of having a good practice but the ground reality was that at the end of my first month of practice, it brought in 800$ after being paid 13,000$ per month in the Non Profit Organization. But I kept my dream going.

Eight years later in Private Practice, according to the Pharmaceutical Companies estimate (based on the scripts), I was number one in Mid West (13 States) and in the top fifteen in USA among private practitioners.

Ten months ago, my life took a tumble. I was/ and am in the middle of one crisis after another. The fall was pretty hard. I was lost. I forgot who I was. I am a dreamer. I went to bed late watching the TV, listening to Ted Talks, learning Astrology, reading about Hinduism and the moment I hit the bed, I went into deep sleep. I don’t recall dreaming. This realization came to me when I woke up yesterday morning around 9AM. I had not been dreaming which I had done all my life. I forced myself to dream again last night. Didn’t realize that it would be that difficult but it sure was.

Something in me says that my life is going to be alright as I have begun to dream. In my dream I began to walk through the darkness of night, the veil of clouds covering the shining stars and preventing the reflection of moonlight. With no end in sight but aware that the sun will come over the horizon and there will be daybreak, I continued to dream.