Heart break

If only one could fathom. You wake up one morning and things are not the same. Everything seems to be happening the way it should and people are going about their daily routine. But for you, it is not the same. You get a call that seems to have changed your belief/life forever.

My good friend died. Cause unknown. Hit by a train in the early morning hours with his legs and body separated. I was 23 years old. Talking to him till late in the night, say around 12.30 AM, a 24 hours call day during our house Surgeon posting and for him to die around 5AM in the morning was difficult to comprehend. He called me ,”Mafiosi” all throughout the years in Medical School. He listened when there were few. He made me laugh when things were not so bright. He accepted me for who I was. He was never short of friends but took the time to spend with me, in the after hours after class. We spoke about our future and many times it was difficult for me to look at mine. But he reassured me that things would fall in place and my life was going to be just fine. His parents both were Psychiatrists in USA. I was one of the two who volunteered to attend his postmortem. I was sick to say the least and heart broken.

And then another surprise as years went by. A friend of mine, who was my classmate since our sixth grade, a batch mate in Med School and a dear friend for whom I would give up anything, just dropped dead in his 49th year. A year went by without me knowing. The last time I met with him was in the hotel I stayed and had a few drinks. We laughed and recalled all the memories. I went to India a year later for my dad’s 80th birthday. My brothers had come. I told my family that I was taking some time off to go and visit him. My older brother walked up to me and said that he was no longer alive. Everyone seemed to have known except me. No one wanted to break the news till they were pushed by the circumstances. My parents got the information from his wife the very day he died but they kept it from me.

And then this guy, a very close friend to me and my family, a role model to my kids, younger to me by fifteen years at the least, just goes to enjoy a ride in a new boat bought by his friend and drowns in the Chicago river. He was close to me and for some reason would always be there for me. His temperament was hard to conceal but would calm down in my presence. He was a brother I didn’t have.

The days that were hard for me to cope, I longed for them. I was angry that they left me behind to be in heaven and enjoy the comforts it provided. I couldn’t understand the dictum's of fate, if there was one, nor could I foresee the beauty of my creation. I was lost, lost without them, lost in finding my own way to deal with the circumstances that I had to endure. My friends, always gave me the sense of belonging. They made me feel that I mattered. They believed that I was here to make a difference, when it was hard for me to even take a step to move forward. They would have told me that this too shall pass when I was faced with the adversities and life is not bad as I would imagine it to be. But then they are gone. I am left alone to decipher the way to move forward. It is hard. It is overwhelming. It is Heart breaking.

"I wished you the best of All this world could give And I told you when you left me There's nothing to forgive But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was Heartbreak and misery It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way You're happy without me I'm jealous of the love Love that was in here Gone for someone else to share Oh, I'm jealous of the love, cause As I sink in the sand Watch you slip through my hands Oh, as I die here another day Cause all I do is cry behind this smile I wished you the best of All this world could give And I told you when you left me There's nothing to forgive But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was Heartbreak and misery It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way You're happy without me".- Labrinth- Jealous.