A letter(or a toast)

To my daughter as she is ready to cross the next milestone- Her Wedding.

The Pride of My Life:

Dearest Kranti: I would have said a lot, written a lot, messaged, texted and emailed to you till date. But the first day after your marriage, when my phone or computer displays”You got mail”, it will carry a lot of meaning than it ever did. Because I will be waiting for the one that brings joy and a sense of peace that will help me move forward- the one from you. Just knowing that you are happy will make my day. When my phone rings displaying your number, my heart will skip a beat, and hearing your voice will bring a lump in my throat, words will be hard to come, my voice will be accentuated, my ears will want to hear you repeat- not because you didn’t say it right or clear, it will be my emotions that is drowning the sound. Don’t start to believe that I am getting hard of hearing and please don’t ask me to hand the phone over to your mother. I can hear you and I can decipher your situation just with your voice. Because I am your dad.

I am sure that many times I disappointed you, situations where I failed to understand you, did not live up to your expectations and appeared to be stubborn in giving into you even when you felt that it was no big deal. I will be the first person to agree with you. But I will stand strong and challenge that my love for you has no comparisons, that i am second to none in taking a bullet for you, that I did everything I knew which maybe didn’t rise up to the occasion but I have never stopped and will never, to have a meaningful relationship with you. It is a promise made and will be kept till my last breath.

I never fulfilled my obligations because I owed, but did everything to bring a smile because I loved and cared. You might not have seen me shoot hoops, play board games, taken you out on a father-daughter dinner, or to the mall with you. But I was there for most of your parent teacher meeting, to the science/art displays at school, to the annual band ceremony every year, feeling proud of your accomplishments and visited your school without your knowledge to meet with your Dean/ VP to monitor your progress every few months throughout your high school years.

I took the brunt of your mother's anger redirecting it towards me for defending/protecting/supporting/preventing and sometimes enabling by my actions which were far from my intentions but nevertheless proved otherwise- all just to prevent a tear, reduce the anxiety, decrease the impact on your mood and also to strengthen your bond with your mother who has done a million things more than I could have ever done and not let her strict disciplinary approach cloud your thinking with anger or resentment.

I have taught you to share, empathize and have encouraged every step of the way when you reached out to help which you have learned and displayed with examples like the Mexican kid Orlando’s family you wanted me to help and your friends in College either with my profession or my contacts strengthening my belief that you care.

As an accident prone child, I have had many sleepless nights worrying and wondering whether this would ever stop. I have not had the strength to see you suffer in pain. All that I could do was pray and experience a heightened state of anxiety.

I wanted you to call every time you were delayed or respond at the earliest if you got a call from me. But your calls gave me the anxiety every time the phone rang displaying your number or even when your number was not displayed when I was expecting one. Like the time you called when you and your friends landed in a ditch on Interstate 55 on your way back from a concert in Chicago around 11PM to the time you did not call back when I made a call which made me take time off from work and seek my friend's help to track you down in your dorm as my imagination ran wild leading to a panic reaction. The fact you went to bed late after a concert in college and didn’t hear your phone ring was something my mind wouldn’t entertain. You expressed your frustration in no uncertain term and I left not able to figure out why instead of appreciating that my action was a reflection of my love and affection, you were upset that I would show up just for not getting a call back. Simple facts become distant to recall and logic appears to take a backseat in matters concerning you. A father’s love gets tested and at times questioned for actions that fail to meet the eye.

I want you to know of how proud I am in having you as my daughter, not just because of your achievements but of the girl you turned out to be. All the difficulties I had is nothing when compared to the joy you brought in my life. You are a blessing in my life and I will cherish till my last day on this earth.

Forgive me for all the wrong I did knowingly or unknowingly and thank you for all the memories you are leaving behind.

Just for you to know that “When you are down and in trouble And nothing, nothing is going right Think of me and Call out my name aloud And I will be there”.

With love that swells from the bottom of my heart, I pray and wish the very best.

Thank you again for being my daughter and for all the happiness you brought with you to make my life more meaningful.

From A dad who refuses to sign off on his commitments to his daughter forever.

~Kripa