Mixed emotions when forced to face reality

The clock was about to strike 12 midnight. How I wished it would freeze. What happened to the time machine. Please, Pl, Pl. But to my dismay the sound of the cell phone coincided with the ringing tone of a self inflicted wound- a reminder to myself that I was touching sixty. Why did I do that- it still beats me. My friends and family took the pleasure to call, text, message and email and even called in person to wish as day progressed. But to me it was hard to digest. Having regressed in time, it was a delusional reality. My life crossed the milestone as one put it. For what? was the question that kept coming up.

One friend recalled the good old days though our relationship was not the best at this time, one of my patients from USA stated how much he and other patients missed me, the younger generation I mentor who call me dad, uncle and Godfather remembered to wish me on my timeline. The old age home destitute residents held a prayer meeting to bless me and my family called, wished, messaged through WA and emailed. FB friends reminded me of my worth and about the relationship that had developed overtime without having the opportunity to meet.

Where do I go from here? I don't know. Time is of the essence- that is true in my case. My days are numbered as, like my dad used to say-"Everyday I live is a bonus" from now on. He is 89 and still going strong. I am not him nor do I have the will to live that long. What is left of me, I hope will bring happiness in peoples' lives and bring a smile on those who lost hope. Somedays I feel I am one of them and if my past is any guide to my future, then, maybe I will get up and dust off and enter the ring to continue with the bouts till I am knocked out for good.

The future doesn't scare me. Can't screw up any worse than I have done in the past. I believe that there are good deeds I have done and only God knows whether I served and continue to serve the purpose of my existence. I continue to believe that it is my call to be of support, help, understand and make a difference and I have kept that one thing going all through my life. Maybe it will see me through till heaven opens it's doors( nice to believe where one would want to end up). Thanks to everyone who took the time to wish me. Without you I am lost.

~Kripa.